Ive been thinking for a few days now how I haven't written or read anything in a while. Very unusual as I am THE literature lover. I love blogs....for one reason, theyre ure online diary, and this is for me like turning back the pages of ure diary and discovering how much growth has occured from the time you wrote your last entry until the present. But ofcourse growth is not always positive.

I have read my old posts and I do accede to the fact that I now want to live in the past. The past when the scene outside my window would have been the lush green of the grass outside my window, with the EC in the background, and not construction works of Southside hall, or the brown of Prince's Gardens caused by the autumn leaves. But its not only the window view I want to change, its a lot more.

I want to go back to the music days, the amazing friends, and the buzz of the relationship. We all want to be what we dream to be, but dreams only show a very teeny bit of what our dreams are.

I did dream to be here, but I never dreamt that it might be this.

I miss all the special things, like what thai sweet chilli meant to a friend, or what atsa sounded like. In a way I always knew I would be writing this post.

Missing people and places is an inevitable feeling. For me, its more like missing my phases. I have phases. Some last a few months, like my love for the OC, Lost, and Greys Anatomy. Some last even fewer months; ebaying. Some a few days; dieting.

It is one phase only that I never want to call a phase, because I want it to be more than ebay, or my love for Jack and Sawyer. It is that precious stone that you never want to lose, or that memory u want to hold forever. It is that picture of the amazing landscape that holds ure breath as u live that moment. For me, it is the happiness I get from seeing that name, and my phone vibrating wit the urgency with which he wanted to speak with me. It is the jolt I receive whenever I get that sms with all those words that make me happy.

We spend so much time searching for happiness and so little time cherishing it. Or maybe when there is happiness time is the shortest thing there was. I want to go back to happy times. Sunny days and blue skies. Daffodils and the 254. I cant stand the rain. This shower of times is like hot rain, and it scalds.

One thing I know for sure, love makes you happy, and at the same time makes you otherwise. It is the memories of the happy times that make for motivation during harder times. If I did not have a memory, it would be an unimaginable life. There are too many thoughts, too little comfort.

But maybe comfort is not what I need but strength. I do need the strength, and I need you. I need you to say that itl be alright. I need you to say difficult times are a phase. I need you to walk with me, because I need you; your advice and your suggestions. Most of all I want to be the same for you. I never want you to be a phase.