I stopped chewing the nails on my right hand! (that is ofcourse with the exception of when in nervous situations!) That for me is an achievement though....one of those things you always want to change but believe u can't. How does the saying go; the premeditations being harder than the actual acts??? True! Because all it took was a bit of discipline...surprisingly too.

Life is a pain sometimes....but thats the beauty of it all...the struggle for happiness...as shortlived as can be...one minute u have it, and the next u dont. And this headache settles in, it tells me its home, to stay for the rest of the day. Fears, how we conquer them. Miracles, how they come in. It all eludes me.

Worries, how they pour down sometimes. Sometimes love is not all it takes.

Life, one bloody turbulent journey; emotions, time, chocolate, love, family....the good and bad, the sweet and sour, beautiful and ugly. Infused into one magical experience of smiles, laughter, sorrow, South Kensington, and a love for bags.

Sometimes dust, sometimes gold dust.

All pure magic!!

Ive been thinking for a few days now how I haven't written or read anything in a while. Very unusual as I am THE literature lover. I love blogs....for one reason, theyre ure online diary, and this is for me like turning back the pages of ure diary and discovering how much growth has occured from the time you wrote your last entry until the present. But ofcourse growth is not always positive.

I have read my old posts and I do accede to the fact that I now want to live in the past. The past when the scene outside my window would have been the lush green of the grass outside my window, with the EC in the background, and not construction works of Southside hall, or the brown of Prince's Gardens caused by the autumn leaves. But its not only the window view I want to change, its a lot more.

I want to go back to the music days, the amazing friends, and the buzz of the relationship. We all want to be what we dream to be, but dreams only show a very teeny bit of what our dreams are.

I did dream to be here, but I never dreamt that it might be this.

I miss all the special things, like what thai sweet chilli meant to a friend, or what atsa sounded like. In a way I always knew I would be writing this post.

Missing people and places is an inevitable feeling. For me, its more like missing my phases. I have phases. Some last a few months, like my love for the OC, Lost, and Greys Anatomy. Some last even fewer months; ebaying. Some a few days; dieting.

It is one phase only that I never want to call a phase, because I want it to be more than ebay, or my love for Jack and Sawyer. It is that precious stone that you never want to lose, or that memory u want to hold forever. It is that picture of the amazing landscape that holds ure breath as u live that moment. For me, it is the happiness I get from seeing that name, and my phone vibrating wit the urgency with which he wanted to speak with me. It is the jolt I receive whenever I get that sms with all those words that make me happy.

We spend so much time searching for happiness and so little time cherishing it. Or maybe when there is happiness time is the shortest thing there was. I want to go back to happy times. Sunny days and blue skies. Daffodils and the 254. I cant stand the rain. This shower of times is like hot rain, and it scalds.

One thing I know for sure, love makes you happy, and at the same time makes you otherwise. It is the memories of the happy times that make for motivation during harder times. If I did not have a memory, it would be an unimaginable life. There are too many thoughts, too little comfort.

But maybe comfort is not what I need but strength. I do need the strength, and I need you. I need you to say that itl be alright. I need you to say difficult times are a phase. I need you to walk with me, because I need you; your advice and your suggestions. Most of all I want to be the same for you. I never want you to be a phase.

I looked at my old posts and found out so much about my old life thatI never rily got a chance to think about these days cos of all the goings-on. I see the end! Yes I do! My last IB exam is on tuesday and today is Sunday...the relief is actually present already...maybe not because my body is being fooled that my own problems are over after seeing all the French guys hover around jobless after finishing theirs, but because chemistry my worst fear has successfully been countered (maybe not in such a succesful way tho!) It was Baba's bday on the 18th...the day I had the chemistry papers....I thought I might get some of his chem energy radiated my way (the chemical Eng. PhD holder in the house) apprently not...cos I KNOW that paper was not of my greatest outputs in NE way...to say it at the least. I do know that the past 4 weeks albeit seeming like the longest period of my life have gone by almost like a breeze. and I know that I have thoroughly enjoyed every second of it. Dancing to "hips don't lie" and "pon de replay" in Noryang's room, spending so much time with all my dear friends here in the village, watching movies, cooking, studying mad late nights with Mpume (who is anally fixated by the way!...*private joke*), losing Hamilton, and then regaining it again due to the help of one of the greatest friends that life could ever offer me...and then having to face drama occurence because of the "way" that I portrayed the stories to other guys, and of course not forgetting Aunt Fati's eventful naming ceremony. In all these experiences I have learnt a great many lessons, prayed for more patience, and have revisited my religious times. I have found love (not the first time!), and have learnt to love every minute you have one you truly care for with you..for I dread the day Noryang would walk out of Pesta and can never go back to open the door of her room so we can dance to Shakira and eat noodles and study, or eat thai sweet chilli or chow mein, or bid for hours on ebay for crazy stuff, or eat chocolate and mints, or talk with the mad boy from Tibet chat ("I love you....like a big sister"....LMAO!!...). To think that I would have no new look or bay or dorothy perkins partner anymore...or that I wouldn be able to carry my mirror to her room to see the plait I had just done at the back of my head.

There are moments I know when I would actually love to pause life...and enjoy it some more, and then some more and more..Like lighthouse fam said "sometimes we catch a glimpse of perfect happiness"....but its nothin more than a glimpse...out of the supernatural...until the reality comes to forcefully jolt you back in terms with it. The same way I am enjoying typing this so much and it is urging me to remember that I have my spanish exam in two days...I should be typing this in Spanish but then not many would understand it nor know that they might be able to take it to free translation and find out the meaning...as I have often done for numerous assignments from Leon. It is at great landmarks in one's life that one is reminded of the point that we do get to achieve some of those goals we eagerly look forward to. I remember how we would talk about finishing the IB last year...never having to go to College nemore...or climbing up the hill...or having to fight to stay awake at double Psychology on wednesday mornings and afternoons because it was the middle of the week and you had lost so much sleep already, having to feel guilty at not showing up at Gill Ball's tuesday morning chemistry classes because you knew that that 7 40 bus was just an impossibility, having to run down the hill and burning all the breakfast that had gone down hurriedly anyway! and I think that I dont have to do that now...nor will I ever do it again...at least not in the genuine sense and I think that I would love to record that feeling and replay it once again some other time, and then feel every feeling that I felt at that exact time.

I know now that my best time of the day is dawn...the time when you feel you can get in touch with God...or the time when you tend to understand the most chemistry...when you can laugh with Mpume and ask him to get you a cold cup of milk without sugar and ask for ONE slice of bread with peanut butter, and he can come back with four slices with chocolate spread and a hot cup of milk and ALL of the sugar in the world claiming that that was what he had heard. I have had a many great experiences in my life and I would NEVER trade them for money, gold, or riches...meeting people like Bash and his tongue twisting Yoruba Orikis...I love all of my friends (or maybe this is the effect of dawn, which is so beautiful outside my window, and Phil Collins that I'm listening to right now that think so!), and the Pesta experience..no matter how I crush it with the lashing words of my tongue! I enjoy the cooking, the affection, and all the stories we share together....every second of my 2 years very well spent...all in the line of destiny Allah planned out for me.

Of course in the past seven weeks now there has been my dear...my dear dear dear...lol...and there have been the loveliest of times with him; his funny self, his Congolese impersonation, and his sensitivity...all add to make these one of the best times of my life...and I know there have been days when I have thought about him EVERY single hour.....and it all seems natural...like something that was meant to be....even though I wouldn have dreamt of it in a million years.

Then there's this incredibly odd feeling as these are the last days of my teenage-hood, and now I can never be silly nemore...i have to assume roles of responsibility (not like I don't have a million already!) ...I am probably not allowed to cry at the airport nemore...not allowed to miss home like I would love to (or hate to!) or hate partings and difficult situations, or times that were out of the ordinary, cyclic, and continuous life that I love to live. Liz was so surprised about the way I had taken the news with Hamilton...I don't know y I wasn surprised myself...I wanted so desperately to be...but I knew I had to be strong because if we were both weak then there was no point was there? and of course my strength brought it back to me as well! I HAVE learnt quite a lot...and sometimes I begin to see my mother in me...and that is one of the best feelings ever!

To think that in a week it would be exactly 2 months! I know I do not want to stop counting the months or years yet...i hope that as I grow shall the time grow...and then shall it invariably become a part of me...in all of the beautiful ways that it possibly could or would.

I know now that to enjoy life is not have many of the material things (and believe me when I say that!...lol) but to take the time to find the people that would help in making it work for u....and then remembering that every moment u spend with them will never be relived...and the joy will only last for as long as it takes you to remember that moment in every detail at that exact time. I hope that I will love and dislike the trials of my life. I hope that I will grow to make the right decisions. I hope that I will grow to look back at my yesterday and be awfully proud that I was me and made friends with the people that I did. I hope that I will keep loving music and the soothing effect it has on me...... as it drenches me in the pure strawberry sweetness of life!

The life of Miss Oyekan................

I am a bit too complicated for my own self. Its 1 18 am in the morning, and I know what I should be doin but I won't....I know tomorrow is the deadline but I know I can get away with not submitting it. I'm tired and I know I'm going to hit the sheets rillly soon.....knowing Ive done nothing.....and the thoughts of my exams drawing closer jus drives me mental. Thing is that I dont even really know what it is that I have to do. All 0f a sudden, a friend and I rnt close nemore....and sometimes it jus takes a lil bit of that comfort of a good friend to get you going mentally. I cant make it for chemistry 2mor morning.....cos I'm not goin to be able to wake up that early. Gill's gonna get cross but then who cares? My exams r a bit too close for me to bother bout the classes. Thats rily wrong mentality I know....but sometimes I cant help myself. I wish I could talk to a friend who genuinely wanted to know how I felt. Things I feel are sometimes so embedded in my subconscious that it takes me quite some time to realise what I want...like that I'm actually hungering for some personal comfort from a very good friend....and I think thats what I rily want right now. Figures.....I sent quite a number of texts today....and I was wondering y exactly it was I was doing that. I called a few as well...I'm dead broke again.....as in DEAD broke....have sent an SOS to Dr AJ, my first one in about seven months...ive been a ril good gurl....my Interview's on tuesday and I don't feel ne apprehensive....but pple keep talkin like I shud b....and I hope its not greater a deal than I expect it to be. If the Interview's on wednesday that means I dont have chemistry again....and that means I dont have chemistry all of this week. I guess Ive been quite a good gurl, cos Ive submitted my Extended essay, world Lit, and TOK essay...or maybe I'm feeling a bit too good cos Patrick thot I was a good gurl....like he said, and Anthony said well done. Not like I didn HAVE to o! Last week I remember thinking I had such a range of options and that I was so lucky....and today I'm thinkin where did they all scamper to? cos I see them nowhere, and feel not what I thot it was I felt. OOh but Nory's party was hot....one of the best in the whole of Pesta....or maybe my own personal best....no denying that I had fun tho...I'm soo tired at night these days that I can hardly step out of my day clothes and find a suitable night shirt....To think of my spanish orals is to give myself a very bad heartache, and thats the truth. What happened to all my spanish? Donde esta mi espanol? I cant get myself organised....cant get myself focused and composed!!! and I def need a motivation....I dont even know if that would do it now....I must have lost it a long time ago. University decisions come in about 3 weeks.....then do I know my fate....I hope I dont regret not applying to IUB....so many things going through my mind....and I refuse to let them all bother me at once....and so I have to filter out the most important....and when I get back to the others theyre deadlines r long gone. I think I complain too much....or maybe I really do have much to complain about. I think I take life too seriously....I need to calm down...and see the colour in the fields when I run past every morning...see the vast landscape, and enjoy the beginnings of a spring that wll define my life. I'm psychologically tired....I need a break....probably after the IB....Europe...Nigeria!! See the people that mean soo much in my life. My mummy!! my sisters!! my brothers....my daddy!! my own bed!! and just the feeling that I was home...wow!! I'm dreaming already. School sucks man....its 1 45, and I still have done no project....gonna play me some jewel miner and head for bed...everythins addictive for me Noryang thinks..solitaire....jewel miner....music;...."emotional"......"if you were mine"...."dreams"......so many themes....so many messages....Nothing's straight forward, its all so complicated....I wonder how people manage to keep abreast of the game and keep cool....they had companions probably.....I'd actually PAY someone now to soothe me and ease me of my stress.....I best just have a massage then...I'm out man!!! I'm drained!!

My life is def complicated....I handed in my extended essay today (4000 word semi-thesis), and my TOK essay (Theory of knowledge)........ is that complicated enough for you, or shall I go on? I am dead broke as usual....the darn cycle....one minute I think I can survive with the digits in my bank account.....and then the next minute I cant believe i'm a two digit broke ass once more. It's Noryang's bday today and I'm looking forward to the party....the end of the week once more!! Been listenin to 'emotional' for the past three days now....reminds me of quite a lot....my past, and maybe what my future might hold. I'm a cycle....thats what I am....with relationships...my lifestyle....so many things just keep going and coming back. Lol....jus had a break to give Nory her presents....we had a feast....chinese, jelly bellliieees (haribos!), and thai sweet chilli! Shes my junkfood mate man!!! took some fotos too....will put em up in a sec...
I have butterflies in my tummy for an old flame all over again....dont know what to say now....distance sucks!!! apart from being expensive as well that is!!! ill never forget my legendary fone bill!! (and ull know what it is if ure the cause!!!)
We're in March and its still snowing!! JD sucks!! This is gonna b one of the toughest months of my life. My presentation...maths project...Spanish orals...studying....decisions from US schools n all that....mad stuff man...
Off now!! (The nights are lonely, the days are so sad, and I just keep thinkin bout the love that we had....and I'm missssin UUU...i miss u baby)

Today I got my hair done in Eastbourne....some really nice Gambian Lady....she had a nice family and a nice house. She treated me more like a guest than a customer.....and then I thought to myself, there really are good people in the world. Her husband was very nice as well....a very nice host...made us prawn fingers and all....i thot he was a bit too nice....and in the end i knew why.

It made me sick sitting there watchin him ask me out to the movies. He had a seven year old son, a four year old daughter, and a VERY pretty wife. I'm only nineteen for heavens sake. What did he want from me? He was actually beggin me! "please...i'm sure ull have fun with me at the movies...please consider it" I wanted to puke. Everything changes when a guy decides to hit on u. He loses respect...his name....and loses his wife customers! I mean she was a very nice woman...I dont see myself EVER gettin with her husband. I wud never cause her hurt and pain that she didn deserve!

Men are a work of art...why do things like this actually happen? Why do they decide they need a college student just when things are going right for them and their family. Why do they need all the drama and the hurt? It NEVER ends well. I would never be one to cause another woman pain. I know what pain feels like and I dont need a 40 yr old man to help me prove that to a poor Gambian lady. He sounded shameless when he was begging me. Why do men ever stoop that low?

Madder stuff was that we were watchin some Nigerian movie while I was getting my hair done. It had to do with some Governor who had some Mistress and the disastrous end that came to him cause of his involvement with her. He watched it with us....didn he learn ne lessons from it?

He has my number cos he said he wanted it for his wife. I didn know then that he was hittin on me. I feel like getting a new number cos of him. Life sucks. I hope my husband is not a horny ass lookin for ne gurl to substitute his wife for at the movies. Guys....be good pls. Its jus wrong man. Think of everything u like in ure gurl...can ne person ever replace her? Theres too much drama in everyday life...u dont need to create extra.

A disgusted me signing out...