I wonder what it is we search for....the psychologists call it self-actualisation, the scientists maybe that breakthrough, the religions call it different names....but is it the same as what we mean when we say God? A friend told me she heard someone call God a force...and I gave a semi-consent, using the story of Moses's request to see God and encountering strong light as my evidence....He was something stronger than the human mind could fathom. But before I deviate into the convoluted principles of religion, I remain in wonder....for that magic of life that is supposed to make it all fit together. Where is it? What is it? Is it in the madness and the rush of the day experienced in a cosmopolitan city? Or the serenity and stillness of a rural? Is it in the satisfaction experienced when giving something away? Or that experienced when acquiring material things for one self.

So many thoughts overtake the mind. Some of these in the quiet of night, some in the frenzy of day. Some people find solace in washing dishes; an avenue to collect thoughts and think these things. Some like me, in solitaire, when the game is played in the subconscious and thoughts accumulate in a rush with no connection to the game whatsoever.

So much has happened with too little time to think, stop, suffer, and maybe recuperate. Its all come in a massive flow, sometimes like a tide, ebbing, a trough, then a crest, and then a larger trough. I remember the largest of my troughs. I heard he was married. Married I thought? It couldn't be. But he was, and I was meant to deal with it. To whom was I meant to explain; to say I was weak, and that I did not know how to handle these situations. Who was going to understand that massive blow I took to my chest? Who was going to understand the pretense of being strong I lived through for a while. The hollowness that enveloped me, like nothing, come to carry me away. More than anything I wanted to know, why, and how? I still desire the workings of that engine that was so successful in totalling me in a haze of fury, of thoughts, of longing, and of emptiness.

My crest came unfortunately. Death preceded it. It was a death of someone not so close, but that meant so much it seemed we must have been closer than the physical delineated. We took time to mourn it, but hey, it was my crest! And I rode it. It still might be shortlived, but maybe it is only in my head, in this new fashioning that has been bourne out of so many disappointments and too many emotions. But in all the many disappointments, we are still crazy enough to hope; for sanity and a return to the ordinary. I confess to this craziness...for I am only human, and I do hope with my new Nur...or is it that that will walk with me in finding my Nur?

It is all so plain sometimes but yet we hate to see....but it is glaring, most times almost blinding, but yet we choose not to see. We choose complexity over simplicity in understanding our world. Maybe the simple is too complex for the human mind it must be.

What is it that makes us question our personality, and compete for a higher status? But with whom we might say? Or with what? What makes us strive to be better? Is it in a stride to be better in the sight of God? Or is it actually to be better in the sight of man? Do you not sometimes question your true intention for an action, and say "was that for God, or for me?". Do we not all at some point lie about emotions, and pretend to be happy when we are indeed not? I tend to say I try not to make a big deal about the special things that concern me, but its a big deal inside where it matters the most. It always is; the foul, now cyclic attempts at making birthdays "the best" (Isn't that what we all desire? Bless "my super sweet sixteen" for actualising this). The emptiness you feel when you are not remembered the way you believe you ought to be, or do not receive the oh so perfect presents that would be the greatest of surprises. But what is it in all these longings we strive to attain? In the PS3 is a shortlived hype; I am witness to that. These material things that we acquire...one minute they are the best, but with another they become second best...they move down the line steadily and poof! theyre gone...4oo pounds busted...you might give it to oxfam or send it to Nigeria.

What is this existence? What is this struggle? I clutch at my name for this one...for it is the only light evident.